Talking to your kids about sex

What kids need for balance is good, clear, factual information. And they need to hear it in an atmosphere of openness and support.

When do I start talking to my kids about sex?
The earlier the better. Children will notice things about themselves and others from a very early age. In fact we start learning about our sexuality as infants, through the way people talk to us, touch us and respond to our maleness and femaleness.

The earlier we begin communicating about sexuality, the easier, more comfortable and more natural it becomes for everybody.

How much information should I give?
Children take in what they want and need to learn, and they disregard what is irrelevant or what they don't understand.

We cannot make children listen or learn the things we want them to, no matter how important we think these things are. So listen to what they are naturally curious about and use that as a guide to what they are interested in.

Answering questions
The best rule is to answer any questions your child asks in simple, clear language. Sometimes you might have to give the answer in a number of ways, using different words or explanations until he or she comprehends.

Remember, questions may not always indicate what it is your child wants to know. They may simply be checking out your willingness to discuss sex. So treat all questions with respect.

If you avoid some questions, you are likely to just increase their natural curiosity and you may also send negative messages about any issues you avoid. If you don't know the answer or feel really uncomfortable answering a question, tell your child that you don't know, but that you will find the answer and tell them as soon as possible. Then contact your doctor or local Family Planning clinic for help in finding that answer, and for help in how to tell your child about it.

Remember, kids will always look for the answers, and they may get the wrong information from someone else.

But how much information does a child need?
Feeling good about our bodies, as well as understanding the names and functions of all our body parts, form the basis for a positive approach to sexuality. Curiosity about bodies, babies and conception begins at an early age, while interest in special friends, sexual feelings, "romance" and body changes occur around puberty.

But what about issues such as HIV/AIDS, homosexuality and rape. Aren't these adult concepts?
Because a concept is an adult concept doesn't mean that your child won't ask about it. Try to explain in simple, non-frightening terms. And remember, if you have always spoken openly about sex, discussing topics such as these will be easier.

Some tips on discussing HIV and AIDS

• Buy/borrow books or videos from school or your local Family Planning clinic
• Look for stories that incorporate HIV and AIDS as a natural part of the plot eg Morris Gleitzman's 1990 book Two Weeks with the Queen is about a young boy who tries to help his sick brother and along the way befriends a man whose lover is dying of AIDS (for 9-12 year olds)
• Talk about TV news items on AIDS and HIV
• Discuss HIV and AIDS in the context of our lifestyles and keeping healthy

Some common concerns about talking about sexual issues

• It's embarrassing!
  Nearly everyone is embarrassed when talking about sex. But it's important to talk with your kids about sex, and it gets easier with practice
• What if I make a mistake?
  Everyone makes mistakes. If you have a good, open relationship with your children, a few mistakes will be forgotten. And it's OK to be honest about not knowing everything – it can even help to build trust and good communication. And it gives your children confidence if they can sometimes tell you a few things!
• I don't know enough!
  Children want to know the most obscure details about things, so do your research. Check out the Family Planning Victoria website for tips on what goes where and why.