Help! I want sex more than she does

And that can be a problem, because experts agree that when there are sexual issues in a relationship it's often because of a mismatch in desire. To put it bluntly, we want it all the time, while she wants it only when the time is right. So what do you do if you want more sex than your partner? A good sex life is the air that makes any good relationship soar, so here are five steps to make sure mismatched sexual desire doesn't become the ballast that brings yours crashing down to earth.

Accept yourself
You want sex a lot. This is nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't mean you are some sort of sexual animal. If anything, it's testament to your partner's powers of attraction.

"Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it," concludes social psychologist Roy Baumeister after years of researching the subject.

And consider this nugget. One study of priests and nuns found that 62 percent of priests admitted to sexual activity, compared to 39 percent of nuns. We like sex quite a lot. It's just the way we are.

But accept her too
The fact is, men are pretty straightforward about sex. We can pretty much manage it anytime, and in study after study, men report more frequent and spontaneous sexual arousal than women, and more frequent sexual thoughts and fantasies.

So that's the way we are, but it's not the way women are. Women are far more likely than men to call themselves bisexual, for instance, which suggests that women's sexuality is a more complicated and less straightforward affair.

Research suggests that women's sex drives are weaker than men's and more easily influenced by circumstance. What it means is that our sex drives are different, and we have to be respectful of that.

"I think men need to acknowledge that they are biologically programmed, hot-wired if you like, to spread their seed as often and as widely as possible," says behavioural psychologist Jo Hemmings. "Which in today's cultural terms means that they are perfectly capable, even inclined, to have sex without a great deal of emotion. But real life and the needs of their partner step in."

Women need emotion
If you want to improve your sex life — both in quantity and quality — it's worth trying to understand female sexuality a bit better. You may know that to really get in the mood she needs romance, intimate conversation and a build-up that brings a real sense of anticipation.

You may have ignored it in the past but, if you want more sex, tapping into her desire for connection is often the way to go.

According to Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, "women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex. For men, sex is the connection." Perel thinks that the anticipation of sex is as important for women as the sex itself. We ignore that at our peril.

On top of that, many women don't orgasm during penetrative sex, but even when they do studies show it takes twice as long for women to reach orgasm than men. This isn't a sex manual, but suffice to say you need to bring your best game to all aspects of the encounter, and not just the main event.

Work on the whole relationship
If women generally want sex when they feel connected, it stands to reason that if your relationship is happy, loving and mutually satisfying in other areas, it's likely to be a more sexual relationship too.

In other words, connect with her all the time, and you'll end up in bed more often. Couples who are romantic and intimate out of bed tend to spend more time in it. If you reserve the romance only for those times when you want sex, she'll soon cotton on.

What it comes down to, says Jo Hemmings, is empathy. Men need "the emotional intelligence to recognise when is a good time to initiate sex and when it would be better avoided. Which means ensuring that their empathy is at maximum level — not always something that comes naturally to many men but essential to maintain a healthy, long-term relationship."

See things from her point of view. She wants to connect with you before she has sex, and that's even true when your relationship is a few years old. Work on your whole relationship, and more sex — including a few of the spontaneous quickies you sometimes crave — will naturally follow.

Um, is it you?
Of course, we shouldn't gloss over the fact that there might be more basic reasons for her sudden lack of interest in the physical expression of your love? By which we mean, have you let yourself go a bit?

Has the svelte man she met been hidden under a layer of flab? Do you spend all your money on computer games and none on clothes? Is grooming something that only happens to other people?

Could it be that, though she loves you, she doesn't fancy you as much any more? In which case, getting your sex life back on track might be entirely in your own hands.

If it's not, then the consensus among experts is that empathy and intimacy are key. Work on making your relationship special and you'll probably end up with the special sex life you want.

If none of that works, don't despair. Relationship counsellors (see Health & Wellbeing's Sexologist) are there to help you resolve problems like this.

But in the first instance, listen to your partner, learn about her wants and needs, and you may discover that your desires are not so far apart after all.