Men's bedroom worries revealed and resolved

Let's be honest up front and get this out in the open. All men have niggling doubts about what goes on in the bedroom — we're not talking about sleeping.

According to sex therapist Leigh Brown, many men are feeling more pressured about their performance in the bedroom than ever before.

"Modern messages around sex seem to demand that you get it right first time or you are judged a bad lover," she says. "As couples are now likely to have sex much earlier on and possibly with a lot of alcohol involved, it can be a recipe for disaster."

From staying power to size, here are men's most common bedroom worries, and what you can do about them.

Size matters
Whether it's length or girth, many men still assume that women prefer a larger penis. In fact, that's rarely true.

"Men tend to be more penis focused during sex whereas women tend to prefer whole body involvement," says psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Diana Goss.

There's a good reason for that. According to studies, about 75 percent of women don't orgasm through vaginal sex alone, regardless of the size of their partner's penis. That's why — to most women — size really isn't an issue.

That view is supported by a Dutch study that found only 1 percent of women thought penis length "very important", and 22 percent said it was "totally unimportant". Good sex has nothing to do with penis size.

Premature ejaculation
Leigh Brown says that rapid ejaculation is the number one reason she sees men between the ages of 18 and 30.

And studies back her up. According to published research, between 20 percent and 30 percent of men around the world suffer from premature ejaculation — generally considered ejaculation within a minute or two of penetration — at some time. It's probably the biggest male bedroom worry of all.

Climaxing too quickly can make men feel embarrassed and inadequate, but it's worth remembering that women rarely orgasm through penetrative sex anyway. Penetration is often less important to your partner than other kinds of stimulation.

As Diana Goss says, men should, "take a step back and not aim for intercourse, aim for pleasant sexual activity." That way, men are more likely to satisfy their partners and themselves, and will be less anxious about premature ejaculation when intercourse does take place.

It's also worth noting that, according to a study of 500 couples, the average length of time it takes a man to reach orgasm is only five minutes. Put in that context, any premature ejaculation might not be so premature after all.

Satisfying her
Many male bedroom worries can be lumped together in one handy term — 'performance anxiety'. Whether through size, staying power or technique, we worry that she won't be satisfied.

The first thing to do, says Leigh Brown, is ignore any pornography you might have seen. "I think that some pornography hasn't helped in giving unrealistic expectations for men in the bedroom," she says. "The message being if you have a large penis and can bang away endlessly then women go wild."

Diana Goss agrees. "Expectations of how to perform better are prolific in the media and also in men's porn," she says. "The focus is always on 'the act', not what happens before it or — for that matter — afterwards. This can increase men's performance anxiety."

So focus less on intercourse and more on foreplay and other methods of stimulation (by all means brush up on that: Brown recommends the book The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld). And also bear in mind that in countless surveys women refer to orgasm as a nice but not wholly necessary part of enjoyable sex. Just as important to women are feeling aroused and erotic, happy, loved and connected to the person they're in bed with.

Erection issues
Being able to get or maintain an erection is another common male bedroom worry, though if problems tend to occur after alcohol has been consumed the solution is probably obvious.

But in young men if it's not brewer's droop, it's probably down to anxiety. And it's easy to get into a vicious cycle. If it happens once and you feel embarrassed you'll worry about it happening again, which makes it all the more likely. There can be medical reasons for erectile dysfunction too, so if it's a long-term concern see your GP.

If it's happened to you, you can take some solace in the knowledge that you're certainly not alone. One landmark study suggested that 52 percent of men suffer erection problems to some degree at some point during their lives. More severe problems tend to be associated with age and health, and are less likely in younger men.

The solution? Don't drink too much alcohol and try to get plenty of sleep (tiredness can also be a factor). And then, don't sweat it. If you sense there's a problem, take your time over other areas of sex. Remember, penetration is less important to her anyway.

"Fear of failure leads to failure," says Diana Goss. "This focusing on the penis and how it behaves can increase performance pressure."

So don't focus on it, she adds. Again, aim for pleasant sexual activity rather than intercourse. "This way you're likely to be satisfied without the pressure to obtain or maintain an erection — and your partner will be too."

Giving and receiving pleasure from other acts will ease the pressure to make the 'main act' a rip-roaring success. And if you're less anxious about intercourse, you're more likely to manage it.

Yep, men get it too
"The most common reason for someone coming to therapy with a partner is because there's a difference in their respective libidos," says Leigh Brown. "And over the last five years I've noticed an increase in the male partner being the one who has lost interest."

But why on earth would a man lose interest in sex? "Frequent use of pornography is a common cause," says Brown, "alongside work stress, financial worries, having young children and boredom with the same old sexual repertoire."

Stress, financial worries and general bedroom boredom can all affect your libido but addressing these problems will see your interest in sex quickly return Aside from cutting down on porn, the solution seems to be about getting to the (often non-sexual) root of the problem. You may need to tackle your work stress and money worries — or at least get them into perspective — before your libido perks up.

Whatever it is — and it may mean simply adding a few novel elements to your bedroom routine — you need to talk to your partner about it. Many men still don't see the importance of good communication.

"I encourage talking with your partner quite explicitly about what is happening sexually and the impact it has on you both," says Brown. "Surprisingly, even with the amount of information available now, most couples avoid talking about sex when it goes wrong."

Talk to her, settle your anxieties and add some mutually agreed experimentation in the bedroom. Brown believes that should get any waning libido back on track, but if you still lack interest in sex and it's damaging your relationship you might want to talk it through with a sex therapist.

Don't live with worry
Taken together, the most reassuring conclusion is that male bedroom worries are common and most of us suffer from some sort of minor sexual malfunction at some point in our lives.

That fact in itself may help to cure your bedroom anxiety, but also remember that you don't have to act the porn star to please your partner. In fact, she probably much prefers that you don't.