Real life: "I gave birth to a stillborn daughter"

Doctors confirmed by ultrasound that my baby had no heartbeat. I looked the doctor straight in the face and told her the machine was broken or not plugged in properly. I was in utter shock and denial. It was like being in a bad dream and waiting to wake up. I'd had no problems at all during my pregnancy so I couldn't understand why this had happened. I was told that my baby girl had not long passed before I arrived at the hospital and that labour was not far away. I could go home if I wished but would need to come back in early the next morning to give birth. My immediate question was could I have a caesarean, because there was no way I thought I could push myself through a natural birth knowing that my darling baby had passed.

However, going home to grieve in the comfort of my own space gave me time to go through my emotions and I decided I was going to make my sleeping princess proud and deliver her into this world in the best way I possibly could. I like to think that my baby girl guided me through the birth as it went quite smoothly and naturally. My contractions were quite intense by 5am, so we headed into hospital. Even though I had had no sleep, I didn't feel the slightest bit tired. With no drugs (as I believe the adrenaline and shock helped to numb the pain), I gave birth at 10.52am on December 3, 2005, to my beautiful sleeping princess, a healthy 8lbs 2oz, with my husband, mother, mother-in-law and sister present. My father and brother came in as soon as she was born. Having my direct family there with me was very supportive and helped me immensely. My husband and I bathed and dressed our first daughter and had our family take some photos and video footage, which we are so grateful to have to remember our baby girl. Although I kept thinking that she would move or open her eyes, I finally realised that it was unfortunately not possible. The hardest part was having to leave my daughter in the hospital and come home with empty arms.

Doctors allowed me to go home straight after birth when I was ready, so I spent about four hours with my daughter before leaving. My first daughter will remain a part of my life and will live on in my heart always. An autopsy was carried out but doctors were unable to find any answers for our painful loss — unexplained stillbirth. My husband and I were determined to have a big family so we tried for another baby straight away (not to replace our first daughter, that was not possible, but to have a baby to love and to hold). We were fortunate to conceive just a month later. We now have a beautiful sister for our first daughter, born October 2006 weighing 7lbs 10oz, and are expecting our third child on April 3. I requested to be induced two weeks before my due date with our second daughter (much more painful birth being induced!) and will do the same with this pregnancy. Nobody tells you that you can lose your baby at such a late stage of pregnancy.

Alana