Question:
I'm a 28 year old man who has been with my 27-year-old de-facto partner for three years now. The problem with our sex life is that she accepts only one position, where she is on top, as she claims all other positions make her feel like going to the toilet. She orgasms every time we have sex, but I don't. The second problem is that she doesn't like my penis touching any part of her body except inside her because she feels disgusted to touch it. The third problem is we don't have sex more than once every eight to 12 days. We don't have any kids or financial obligations to make her feel stressed and she tells her family members how much I'm thoughtful and romantic. Everything in our life is perfect except sex and even though I've tried everything from holidays to jewellery to romance and open conversations, nothing is working. Please help because I feel this sex problem will ruin my relationship with her.

Answer:
I can hear the frustration you are experiencing. I know it's hard when you feel like you are doing everything you can think of to excite, encourage and arouse your partner and getting no result and no affection in return. I understand how discouraging this can feel. And your despair at this problem possibly ruining your relationship is real. Couples often underestimate the importance sex plays in a relationship. It's sometimes the glue that keeps couples together during the tough times and it's also a behaviour that (in monogamous relationships) is unique to your relationship. It is an activity you share only with each other and it separates you from the many other loving relationships and friendships that you hold. It's also an activity that bonds you, making you feel connected, appreciated and loved. Sexual intimacy is crucial to a passionate, fulfilling relationship.

It's natural for libido to fluctuate over time and sometimes one partner wants sex more often than the other or sex of a different type than the other. With mutual respect, effective communication and a desire to be intimate, these problems can be solved.

Let's look at the issues you've raised one by one. First, you mention your frustration with positions. You say your partner mainly prefers to be on top, otherwise she is uncomfortable and feels like she needs to go to the toilet. Many women prefer to be on top as they can often orgasm more easily in this position and when a woman feels her G-spot area (inside on the front wall of the vagina, behind the back nerve endings of the clitoris) being stimulated, the sensation of needing to urinate is common. So it sounds as though your partner has sensitive nerve endings in this area that are easily stimulated in various positions. With a little bit of reading and education on this, both you and she can discover positions together which don't stimulate this front wall of her vagina quite so much.

This sexuality education could also help with the second problem you raise, which is that your partner is disgusted by your penis. This could be a result of general performance anxiety, not quite knowing what to do or how to please you, leading to lowered confidence and negative feelings. It could also be from subtle or not so subtle negative messages during her growing up about sex being "dirty" or genitals being "gross". The language and attitudes we pick up about sex and our bodies as we grow up are powerful and can have a lasting impact well into adulthood, affecting our sexual lives. Some positive sexuality education from books and videos is sure to guide her toward more open attitudes, but positive role modelling from you will also help. When you touch her, praise her body, tell her how much you adore it and tell her what you love about her body. As she opens up to discovering new sexual positions over time, balanced with still doing it in her favourite position, which you know she likes and is aroused by, encourage her to praise you too and to experiment with you as well.

As for your third problem, frequency is one of the most common complaints made by couples. Even though you don't have children or financial stress, these are not the only triggers for low sexual desire or activity. Feeling pressured, disconnected or not enjoying sex can also inhibit how often you do it. You mention that she comes every time and you don't. Sometimes men can find it hard to come on top as their muscles aren't engaged enough to stimulate their body tension into orgasm or else they simply wish they were in another position, which detracts from their full enjoyment. She may climax every time, but in one survey, 86 percent of women stated orgasm was not the most important aspect of sex. So while she may come all the time, she may not be rating it as a peak experience because she may not feel connected enough with you or relaxed enough or she may still be struggling to psychologically feel positive about sex, beyond just the physical response level. As you progress on your journey of books, videos and accessories to find positions that feel good for you both, hopefully the issues of frequency and positive enjoyment and sensual touching will also be addressed.

Keep up the romance — good work there, but you also need to address this issue on a specifically sexual level. And if your partner needs to work through deeper issues, a sex therapist can be recommended. Good luck.

For more information and to find about Gabrielle's latest book, Spicy Sex please see Dr Gabrielle's website.