Question:
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and I'm so attracted to him, but I have no libido whatsoever. It's affecting the relationship because he wants more sex than I do. I don't even like it that much and I hate any type of foreplay. The strange thing is, I always dream about sex. I work a nine-to-five job and I'm always tired when I get home, which is usually the time he wants it. I want to make him happy but wish it wasn't about sex all the time. What can I do to get my libido back?

Answer:
If you were to read your question to me again, as if a friend of yours were posing it to you for advice, what would you advise your friend? Sometimes we need to step out from inside a situation in order to see it more clearly.

You bring up several issues, so let's tackle the easiest one first. Fatigue is a libido killer. No question about it, if you are tired, the drive to engage in sex or any kind of even slightly energetic sexual or sensual activity is diminished. So this part of why your libido is down is not a mystery.

It's also not a mystery that if you do not enjoy sex, there is little motivation to do it. This is the same with anything. Combine this with the pressure of wanting to please your man, but this is the main or only way it seems to happen because you know it's what he wants, and this naturally results in a low or even no libido.

So let's address the problems. You need to get more quality sleep. Whatever obstacles prevent you from getting quantity and quality sleep, overcome them by time management and prioritising the problems and solutions. You also need time to relax and pamper yourself. This not only re-energises you, but allows you to feel sensual, feminine and sexy again. This is important to feel not just at the start of a relationship, but all the way through a relationship. It can be difficult to muster a drive for sex if you don't feel sexy!

You also will find it difficult to increase your desire for sex if you don't enjoy it. You need to discover aspects of making love that really turn you on, that you enjoy on every level — physically, mentally and emotionally. It's important that people don't get too caught up in the stereotype of what sex is — if predictable foreplay isn't your thing, find out what mentally stimulates you to get you turned on. It might not be kissing and cuddling for you. You say you dream about sex all the time, so perhaps foreplay for you is fantasising or sharing a fantasy with your boyfriend or even planning and then acting out a series of fantasies. Perhaps more mental stimulation is needed to build the anticipation of sensual and sexual touch so that you crave it and this in turn will fuel your libido.

Did you know the morning is the most optimal time for sex? Even though our cultural conditioning says we get increasingly romantic at night — and for many it's more practical, especially if they have children — but physiologically the morning is when our testosterone (sex drive) levels are highest. So if you find yourself even slightly in the mood, act on it!

Lastly, in a seemingly contradictory piece of advice, sometimes don't act on it. Meaning, if you feel pressure to always have sex in order to experience shared pleasure with your partner, sex can quickly become perfunctory and lose some of its appeal — leading to decreased sexual desire. Make sure you spend lovely and loving time together doing activities that aren't centred around intercourse. Have a bath together, play games, give each other massages, go out on dates — these are all important activities because libido isn't only fuelled inside the bedroom but outside it 24/7 in a relationship.

And if you haven't noticed any improvements from implementing these strategies, talk to your doctor about your decreased libido, as there might be a deeper cause which would need to be diagnosed in person. But before that, give a love-style makeover a go!

For more information please see Dr Gabrielle's website or visit her consultancy website Bananas and Melons.