Question:
My husband and I are still very much in love but we have two small boys and both work full time. Our love life seems to be stuck in a rut. While my husband is very caring and a gentleman, ensuring I orgasm before he does, we always seem to end up in the same position and I am feeling that the spontaneity is gone. What can I do to get it back?

Answer:
If your love life is missing spontaneity, that is precisely what you need to recapture in order to get the excitement back. Both you and your husband can take the initiative to achieve this.

For many couples, it isn't the physical technique of pleasure that goes off the boil in a sex life — after all, the longer many are together, the more intimately they know each other's bodies and responses. What can extinguish the spark in the case of many couples is the lack of sexual imagination and lack of regular (or even semi-regular) expression of pure, raw desire and thus the stimulation of each other's most sexual organ, the brain.

Spontaneity in a sex life does several things. It shows a burning passion, indicating that sex is front of mind, bringing you immediately into the roles of lovers rather than parents. It also brings an unpredictable quality to your lives, which prompts adrenaline to keep you both excited. The newness of it mimics the early days in your relationship, when you were discovering each other and falling in love. This early patterning can stimulate memories that fuel your desire for each other once again. And lastly, it is fun! Sex is our adult recreation — we make love far more often for recreation than procreation across our lifetime — and it doesn't have to always be a serious seduction, neither does it have to be the same old, same old. Even a little bit of spontaneity can bring joyfulness and playfulness to your love life, thereby curing the "stuck in a rut" syndrome.

The thing about spontaneity, though, is that even that can get old if you do it all the time. Try not to let "surprise seduction sex" become your norm — rather, balance it with the familiar connectedness of doing it in your favourite position. It is in finding this balance between what I call "sexy sex" and "maintenance sex" that a truly satisfying sex life for a couple lies.

The responsibility for initiating both of these types of sex rests with you both. You must each agree to prioritise your love life and put energy into making it wonderful — not just physically, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Make love on every level (and in every room in the house!) and your love life will be spicy again, rather than stale.

Some tips for spicy sex:

• Each of you write down six things you'd like to try. Between you, that's 12 — enough for one fun and new sexy indulgence each month for a year.
• Write, and share, a fantasy with each other.
• Rather than buy some, create your own love vouchers to give each other.
• Plan a romantic weekend, without even leaving the house (arrange for the kids to spend the weekend elsewhere!)
• Plan a bedroom picnic, complete with aphrodisiac treats and other non-edible delights!
• Little words, tokens of appreciation and love will all nourish each other's sexual spirit — do something daily to show your feelings.
• Flirt, flirt, flirt! Keep sexiness alive in your relationship, no matter how long you've been together.

For more information and to find about Gabrielle's latest book, Spicy Sex please see Dr Gabrielle's website.