More Sites

Expert advice

Dr Gabrielle Morrissey: Sexologist

Dr Gabrielle Morrissey has been a sexologist — sexuality educator, sex therapist and sex researcher — since 1990. She is also the author a number of successful books.

Just not interested in having sex

Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Too much, and it can make some people make some ill thought-out sexual decisions, and it can shut off the sexual arousal response, making sexual function difficult, and orgasm often impossible.

Question:
I love my husband very much and I am very attracted to him, but for as long as I can remember I have never been interested in having sex unless if I am tipsy/drunk, or in order to please my partner. It is upsetting and frustrating for us both. I want to want to have sex, however the drive just isn't there. I have been tested for low testosterone and this does not appear to be the problem, the only thing that I can even remotely think would have anything to do with my low drive, is the shame I felt after my mother found out I lost my virginity at 15. She was very angry and slapped me... While I forgive her for this I am now 30 and feel like I will never have any desire — please help!

Answer:
Part of why you might be interested in sex when tipsy or drunk is because alcohol acts as a sexual disinhibitor —it can make you release some of your anxieties about sex, and relax a little. Too much, and it can make some people make some ill thought-out sexual decisions, and it can shut off the sexual arousal response, making sexual function difficult, and orgasm often impossible. It's good to know you've had your testosterone tested, so we can rule this out as a cause for your low sex drive. Often, your gut instinct is one to follow up, and your gut is telling you in this case that an early response to sex — your first time — created a negative thinking pattern in you about sex. It's possible that this started a pivotal change in you, but it's also possible perhaps that in your childhood you might have received many sex negative messages — as many women and men did, and do still — that the body is dirty; sex is bad; dirty; a taboo; not talked about; women’s genitals are not to be named ("down there")... and one cannot underestimate how powerful these early messages can be on adult sexual functioning.

The good news is that conditioning of this sort can be reconditioned. Rather than put pressure on yourself to change and love sex right away, take small, positive steps to read and learn about the female body, about sex, how it works, how pleasure works — relearn everything you thought you ever knew about sex, and this time, frame it in the positive. Fill yourself with wonder about how amazing our sexual selves are. Spend time with your husband in affectionate hugs, kiss him, play with him, but don't allow (agree between you) that every sexual touch necessarily leads to sex. Flirt, find the positives, and gradually recondition yourself to learn to love sexual anticipation, and sexual pleasure. If you need further help with this process, a qualified sex therapist can help you through it. You can fix this. Good luck.

For more information please see Dr Gabrielle's website.


My husband's sex drive dropped after the birth My husband had an affair after 20 years of marriage I feel betrayed by my boyfriend's pictures of other women. I'm being neglected by my partner
advertisement