Question:
I have been with a girl for a number of years. I know I love her but the other day I was sitting there and thought to myself, after all this time I still don't know that I want to marry her. After talking it over, about a week later we broke up. After this I felt really lost and as if I could not see myself living without her in the future. I have been in contact with her again and we are now more or less back together. But now that we are back together, I am getting the feeling that we shouldn't have. Can you offer any advice? I'm very confused.

Answer:
I can understand why you would be feeling confused, because your thoughts are in direct conflict with each other and the stakes are high because you are considering your future and the life and feelings of another person as well. If you care for her and want to honour the history and time you have shared, this decision about whether to be together or not shouldn't be taken lightly. And while you might not be taking it lightly, you can't keep back-flipping on your decisions, so you need to make this next one your last one.

When and why did the question of marriage come up? Is there an external pressure leading you to think you must make a decision about marriage right now? Is it simply a function of thinking you should marry because you've been together for a number of years? Did your girlfriend bring it up or give you an ultimatum? Do you have an expectation that you should be feeling a certain way by a certain time frame in your relationship?

"Shoulds" can be very destructive to a relationship. It is usually someone else's time frame or value system telling you what ought to be done or how you ought to feel, when in actuality, the best approach is to follow your heart. If you love each other and want to be together, live in the present and don't discuss marriage just yet.

However, if you've discussed marriage and one of you is ready and one isn't, this is the time to start analysing your compatibility and desire to be together. Sometimes when people break up, especially after being together for years, they find their new singledom lonely and disorienting. You stated you felt lost. When confronted with a change, it can be easy to gravitate back to what's familiar, even if it isn't the wisest or healthiest choice. I don't know if you should be with your girlfriend — only you can know that — but as you figure it out, it's important to be honest with your feelings, both with yourself and with her. It's unfair to spring a surprise second break-up on her when you could possibly salvage your relationship by keeping the channels of communication open. She might be able to help with some of your doubts or she may say things that confirm for you why you don't believe you should be together. As a couple, you can work out whether to stay together into the future or recognise that the relationship has come to its natural end.

Decisions about relationships can feel incredibly intense. To be together or not to be? The answer can feel final, as if the path of your life depends on a decision that has to be made right this instant. It's okay to feel confused. Acknowledge the pressure and share this with your partner. Agree not to act or decide anything for a few weeks and see how you each feel being together again. Agree to talk every other day at most (talking every day doesn't allow your relationship room to breathe or evolve). Remember, this will work out, for you both, either way. You'll either stay together and be happy or one of you will realise what's not right. Moving on might hurt, but eventually that will feel right for you both too. Trust the process, be open to it. Be open to each other and your growth, whether that's in a relationship or not. Easier said than done, I know, but if you're respectful of each other and your feelings and confusions, it will all be alright in the end. Good luck.

For more information and to find about Gabrielle's latest book, Spicy Sex please see Dr Gabrielle's website.