Question:
My boyfriend and I have been having sex for the past few months and I still haven't had an orgasm. He is the first person I've ever had sex with. He feels really bad because he can't get me there and this makes me feel bad too. What can we do to make me orgasm? Or is there something wrong with me? Please help!

Answer:
Before jumping to the panicked conclusion that there might be something wrong with you, back up and slow down. Have you ever experienced an orgasm at all? Through self stimulation or with your partner before you had sex together? Many people mistakenly assume that when they start becoming sexually active through intercourse, then orgasms will follow and not before. In actuality, learning about sexual pleasure, including orgasm, before getting to intercourse can not only enhance your physical experience when you do get to the intercourse part, but enhance your learning about sex, the sexual response (your own and your partner's) and arousal and pleasure — which can only be good! Knowledge isn't just power, knowledge equals pleasure too!

I'm not proposing that you necessarily stop having sex — there are many reasons to engage in sex, which you have decided to do, and orgasm is only one of them (and for some, a small reason compared to other emotional and developmental reasons). But I am proposing that you and your boyfriend also go back a stage to making out and discovering each other's bodies and pleasure spots through mutual stimulation without the pressure of intercourse.

How well do you know your body and your sexual response? Can you bring yourself to climax? Have you ever tried? If you can orgasm yourself but not with your boyfriend it could be a performance anxiety issue, or it could be simply a need to gently educate your boyfriend about the best ways to stimulate you.

Many young people who don't receive adequate sexuality education at home or through schools aren't aware of the specifics of pleasure, particularly female pleasure, until they begin experimenting through trial and error — and there can be a lot of error! Less than 30 percent of females can reliably orgasm through intercourse or internal stimulation alone. What does this mean? It means the vast majority of women require direct external clitoral stimulation in order to achieve an orgasm. It's beneficial to know that the clitoris is much, much more than the little 'love button' that most men and women typically regard as the clitoris. Actually the clitoris is quite large and the sensitive nerves and erectile tissue extends down under the labia (lips) and can surround the vagina too. However, the majority of the most sensitive nerves are contained in the 'button' — all 8000 of them (versus the 6000 in the whole penis!). Some women don't experience orgasm because the button part (glans) of the clitoris is simply too sensitive, so rather than feel pleasure when it's touched, they instead feel a range of discomfort to sharp pain. This stimulation isn't conducive to climaxing.

The bottom line is: don't expect intercourse to deliver the Big O, no matter how connected and aroused you might feel with your boyfriend. The type of stimulation brought about by penile-vaginal intercourse alone can make orgasm very difficult to achieve. However, direct stimulation of the external part of the clitoris, the glans as well as the nerves under the labia, through hand, mouth or toy action can help you get there. And if you experience orgasm prior to penetration, then you'll be at the peak of your arousal during intercourse and will likely enjoy it physically a lot more — you might even experience a second or third orgasm!

The more you make orgasm a goal though, the more elusive it can become. Try not to make your sexual activity become goal oriented because this creates more pressure which can work against your sexual response and hijack it away from experiencing pleasure. You literally have to 'let go' to get to the O, and this can take some time and learning. Let yourself learn at your own pace, and let yourself be your best teacher.

Answer published 25/9/07.

For more information please see Dr Gabrielle's website or visit her consultancy website Bananas and Melons.