Question:
My wife and I have been married for 28 years and still enjoy really great sex. However, I am increasingly fantasising about watching my wife have sex with another man — in fact, this fantasy is the one I mostly use to get me horny. My wife loves sex and is multi-orgasmic but quite prudish (Catholic nun upbringing) so hasn't shown much interest when I have raised the question. But I cannot believe she wouldn't get off if some youngish hunk joined us for three-way activity. Should I go ahead and risk organising something or is there a better way to move her in this direction?

Answer:
Most people know that there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality. Getting turned on by something in your mind is often very different to witnessing something in real life. Or participating in it and finding the graphic reality of it genuinely erotic — not just during, but afterwards as well.

You say you can't believe your wife wouldn't get aroused by a threesome with a young, hunky guy. While you know your wife of 28 years and I haven't even met her, believe me when I say that yes, I can actually believe that she might not find it an enticing or exciting prospect. The majority of women wouldn't. And this is mainly because of our gender-based sexual conditioning from early on. Women, or more specifically girls, are given verbal and non-verbal messages from an early age that their sexuality is almost always to be hidden, suppressed, even that their genitals and the act of sex are dirty … that "good girls" save themselves for love and any variance in partner or having multiple partners, especially at the same time, as well as sexual experimentation, are the practices of "bad girls" and "immoral and loose women".

Now, even though your wife is married to you and as her husband and partner in the bedroom and in life you have expressed your desire to share her sexually with another man, it still would contradict her conditioning, so that finding it an acceptable turn-on, let alone reality, would be difficult. This is not the case for every woman, but for the majority it is. So your idea of just going ahead and organising something, without her consent or desire, runs a very high risk of falling apart and resulting in either an embarrassing or tense situation rather than a sexy one. I do not recommend it!

Your second thought holds more merit, which is trying to steer her in the direction of accepting it. However, know that if she says no, absolutely she is not interested. Pushing or pressuring her to do it will only lead to a negative outcome.

It is probably more likely to be a successful sexual connection between you if you continue to keep this erotic imagining in the realm of fantasy, but perhaps share it more vividly with your wife. Do you tell her stories of this fantasy in different scenarios during foreplay and while making love? Drawing her into your fantasy while she is engaged in sexual stimulation and intimacy with you may increase her erotic openness to the idea. She may never want to act on it, however, the two of you might find it very exciting to have a third partner in your bedroom between you in stories and descriptions. And that might just be great enough for you both.

For more information please see Dr Gabrielle's website or visit her consultancy website Bananas and Melons.