I have been with my partner for almost five years and have two daughters. Since giving birth to our second little girl two months ago, I have not felt like sex and am not even in the mood for cuddling which I used to love. It frustrates my partner because he thinks that he doesn't please me anymore or that he is doing something wrong which is totally untrue. I just never feel like sex anymore. What can I do to change this?
The first thing that would help this situation is to improve communication. Often when a subject is uncomfortable, couples will avoid talking about it altogether, or they will talk only in an abbreviated way, meaning that within a few short sentences the topic is disposed of and each person is still mired in misassumptions or mixed messages, feeling that the issue hasn't been resolved at all. Simply telling your husband that he's not doing anything wrong doesn't actually help solve the problem. He is likely to still feel that something is wrong, and that he must be doing something wrong, because the issue of not connecting through sex is still present, and he hasn't been given any clues as to why, or how to make it better. He might not even know that you even want to change it. He might be in the dark thinking the problem is much bigger than it actually is, because you're not talking together about it, sizing it up, expressing your feelings and frustrations, and then bridging to solutions.
Aside from talking as the first step, the second step is understanding why you don't feel like sex anymore. And let's acknowledge that you only had your baby two months ago! It's only eight weeks of not only dealing with a newborn, but also juggling suddenly now having two children at once to care for. This is a lot to adjust to, so don't underestimate its impact on you. You will naturally be extremely fatigued and likely overwhelmed with managing your new life with two babies.
It's not uncommon for new mothers to let time with their partner, and even pampering and self nurturing time slide down the list of priorities. While this is not uncommon, it isn't healthy either, and it's much better if you can actively balance all the energy you give out to your little ones, with investing some nurturing energy back into yourself. This can be hard for mothers to do, some women even feel selfish taking time and space for themselves, but it is very important to do. You'll be a better mother and better partner if you have energy and aren't running on empty.
Once you have the balance back, you will feel energetic enough to be able to connect with your husband sensually and sexually, as partners and lovers, as you did before babies one and two came along. It might certainly take some time, and occur in baby steps you might find the desire for cuddling comes weeks before the desire for sex, and this is not unusual.
Explain this process to your husband so he understands that some of the best things he can do for you right now is to help you parent, help you around the house, and do sweet nurturing things for you like let you have an extra nap or run you a bath.
If you get your energy back and months have gone by and you still feel like your sex drive hasn't returned, then it would be time to talk with your doctor. If there is no physical or hormonal reason for low libido, mother's groups either in person or online can be a great support to talk through problems and stresses around being a new mother of two. Also confide your worries with your husband because living in isolation is a sure way to disconnect from your relationship and make both of you more unhappy and frustrated.
Know that this will pass and give yourself some patience and understanding it's only been eight weeks. Both of you will get back to pleasing and pleasuring each other soon enough, so just be kind and gentle with yourselves. And enjoy this time with each other, even though it's not sexual. Connection happens on every level, and each way is important to the relationship.
For more information please see Dr Gabrielle's website or visit her consultancy website Bananas and Melons.