Question:
My partner works a very demanding job and sex is off limits for me Monday through to Friday because he says he is too tired and does not have the stamina to have sex with me. This has been going on for over 14 months. We mostly engage in sex once or twice on the weekends but the intensity of our lovemaking leaves a lot to be desired by me. We only fight about one thing — sex. My partner is 49 and I am 57. Who is at fault here? Me, for wanting to have sex more often and feeling sexually deprived, or does my partner have a problem in being too tired to make love to me most of the time? I feel he has his priorities wrong and that his job is just too much for him. He agrees but he won't consider changing his job for something less demanding so he can give me the time and lovemaking I need. I would really appreciate your advice on this one as this problem (our only problem) is driving me to despair.

Answer:
First of all I don't know how long you've been together — so while you say that this issue has been of concern for a little over a year, there is no information about the state of your sex life prior to that and how long it may have been satisfying for. If I were to assume, I'd assume that there was a fairly lengthy period of time during which you were both very satisfied with your love life, which is partly motivating you to continue to work through this issue now, even though it's been over a year and "driving you to despair". That would be good, because something that has been good before, has a good probability of being able to be regained. But bear in mind change is slow and you've been having issues for over a year.

On a positive note, may I commend you that you seem to have a healthy and happy relationship, given that you say the only thing you fight about is sex. It's good that sex is not one in a long list of issues and complaints between you. That makes it much clearer to navigate solutions.

Let's examine the reality (rather than the fantasy that this partnership can sustain a steamy sex life of daily and nightly lovemaking for hours on end — it's not realistic here, or generally for almost any couple ... except of course perhaps outside a honeymoon).

Your partner works a tiring job. That's the reality. You might wish he worked a less demanding job, but that's not the reality and whether he's a concrete worker or a neurosurgeon, feeling exhausted physically and/or mentally is a serious dampener on anyone's libido — and age doesn't matter in this.

Unless you can negotiate him getting a new job, you need to work within the limits that you have in your life together. And that is that lovemaking is most readily acceptable and available to you both on weekends rather than during the week. The average number of times a couple makes love in a week is 1.8 — so your average of once or twice per weekend fits into that average statistic, even though it's not as much as you'd like.

First I'd recommend you work on improving the quality and satisfaction of your weekend sex, before you address the frequency issue. You might find that you both become satisfied with weekend sex, as long as the sex itself is fantastic. Or you might find that your sex life naturally gravitates toward mid-week seductions, because your sex life during the weekends has improved and so both of your libidos spike.

The key lies in improving the existing sex you have.

Now, to do this, put more emphasis on desire and arousal. The brain is our most important sexual organ, so to heat things up, increase his sense of desire for you and his general sexual arousal by being seductive, creative, visual, flirtatious, fun and pleasing. Like with anything, if you want something more or better, you must invest in it. With a positive attitude of changing something from pretty good to great, rather than a negative attitude of fixing what is broken, you'll find a greater likelihood that it won't stay a topic for fighting and it will get resolved by efforts on both your parts.

If this doesn't work, there might be something deeper going on and if a heart-to-heart honest talk doesn't bring it out, perhaps a relationship counsellor can.

Both of you need to find that balance that satisfies both of you, between working and loving. It needn't be one or the other — your happiness as a couple lies in the balance.

For more information please see Dr Gabrielle's website or visit her consultancy website Bananas and Melons.