Question:
I have been with my wife for seven years. In the beginning of our relationship the sex was great and I had no complaints. But there has been a gradual decline in the quantity and quality of our sex life. My wife has at least one orgasm every time we have sex and after she gets her's she either makes me hurry up and finish, or she is unable to continue. So a session of lovemaking for us would be 75 percent of the time me giving her pleasure, and 25 percent (or less!) of the time her giving me pleasure. I have talked to her, but our post-coital sex discussions don't seem to do any good. To make things worse, there is an old girlfriend of mine who keeps calling me, telling me she is so in love with me, and we use to have awesome sex. I find myself getting more and more tempted, especially since it seems my wife is not interested in sex anyway?

Answer:
Sex is a shared activity and while that doesn't necessarily mean an equal give-and-take of exactly 50 percent of time and energy on each other each time, it does mean that both partners ought to feel connected, pleasured and valued in a shared and satisfied way. Sometimes the generosity of giving will flow more to one partner than another, and other times, both partners will feel equally adored and stimulated.

What sounds concerning about your situation is that you are describing an occurrence that has become a pattern. If only a few times the sexual attention was directed purely on her rather than you, that would be acceptable, and not uncommon even. But as an established pattern, it sets up a dangerous framework of only one of the two of you being satisfied physically, and likely both of you being unsatisfied emotionally from an experience that really should be connecting you, rather than creating a wedge between you. By one of you not being able to continue, or asking the other to hurry up, it stops the sex you share from being a bonding experience and instead separates you into "his and hers pleasure". And this divided attention leads to highlighting the fact that the experience isn't pleasurable for you. Or at least, not like it is for her, because you feel like you're giving more than she is. This leads to resentment and resentment is one of the most effective killers of libido and arousal. This is happening in your marriage, and you're going to have to deal with this resentment, and lack of pleasure received, if you want to break this pattern and move forward into a joyful, connecting sex life, love life and marriage.

One sure-fire way not to move forward into a joyful, loving and passionate marriage is to go off and have an affair with your ex-girlfriend. A number of factors are leading you into temptation, but if you want to maintain your marriage, and fix it, you will have to just resist temptation. This means not indulging in fantasies and memories of being with her, and not taking her calls. Put her back where she belongs — in your past, not in your present. Emotionally you are already opening the door to her — looking for justification in being with her by saying your wife isn't interested in sex anyway (this is weak and no reason to betray the promise you made to your wife, and you know it) and you are comparing the sex because you are motivated by wanting better sex. So rather than remember the "awesome" sex with your ex-girlfriend, and pine for the "no complaints" sex with your wife, you should be looking for ways to make the unsatisfying sex with your wife awesome … not seek the awesome sex with an old partner.

So how do you turn your sex life around and get it sparking at an awesome level together? This is a question not uncommon at your stage in marriage. Many writers, therapists and researchers have looked into the question of the seven-year itch. And this might be a good time to go to a counselor for a 'state of your union' check-in and check-up. Just as there is resentment about the time and energy that is shared and not shared between you sexually, there might be a list of other issues also playing into why your love life has cooled, and has become disconnecting. While I understand you've tried talking about the sex issue, if there are other triggers to low libido and arousal, those can often be uncovered during couples counseling, and then dealt with, to put your love life back on track, or even stronger than it ever was. In addition to dealing with any relationship issues that could be affecting your sexual communication and connection, the two of you need to recommit to being sexual with each other in a way that truly pleases both of you. This is at the heart of a passionate relationship, and the giving, nurturing and pleasing are really important, and not to be underestimated.

Contextualise this issue within the greater framework of your relationship, rather than just talking about who is getting the greatest number of orgasms, and it becomes an issue that can't be denied in dealing with. Your wife will see that, and a counselor can be a good mediator if you feel you're not being effectively listened to. Tell your ex to stop calling you and devote your attention to developing mutual respect and affection in your marriage, in and out of the bedroom, so that the next seven years of your marriage are passionate, joyful and happily satisfied.

For more information please see Dr Gabrielle's website or visit her consultancy website Bananas and Melons.