Expert advice

Desiree Spierings: sexologist

Desiree is the Director of Sexual Health Australia and is a qualified and experienced Sex Therapist and Relationship Counsellor. Desiree answers female related sex questions for ninemsn Health. ASK ME A QUESTION QUESTION

Difficulty reaching orgasm

Monday, September 20, 2010
"It is known that almost all women should be able to orgasm externally, via clitoral stimulation. Not all women though are able to internally orgasm."
Topics:
sex

Question:

I am 30 years old and still can't orgasm. I am in a great relationship, but only ever get to a point where I feel I'm on the edge or having one but then I think about it and all of a sudden all feelings go and then I can't get them back! I just switch off at that point and then I hate being touched down there.

I'm not sure of the cause of this, I think it's a mental block. I was abused by my stepfather when I was young, but never penetrated. I'm so frustrated and nothing seems to help. Can you help?

Response:

Being able to orgasm is really a question of being able to let go, and not have any control over your bodily responses or actions. As women we grow up having to be and act in a certain way that is appropriate behaviour for a woman, this means we are often always in control over bodily responses.

For example, we don't just burp or fart in public, whereas for men that is less of a taboo. Therefore, in order to just let go in the bedroom, and let your body go out of control in order to orgasm, is often quite difficult for a woman. Additionally, past abuse can play a role here. To work through the barriers the abuse may have caused, it may be best to seek professional counselling.

Furthermore, it is known that almost all women should be able to orgasm externally, via clitoral stimulation. Not all women though are able to internally orgasm. In order to overcome issues with control, I would suggest you first start to discover your own body and see how your body reacts while stimulating it on your own. Your body first of all belongs to you and by knowing what happens can make you feel calmer and relaxed and less inhibited.

I would suggest looking at your vagina with a hand-held mirror first, until you are completely fine looking at it. This may take a couple of times of trying. After you are completely comfortable looking at it, start massaging your own body with some massage oil and really try to focus on how this feels.

Once you feel completely relaxed start to move down and massage your clitoris. When you are comfortable, introduce a vibrator. Vibrators are great massage tools, so first stimulate other body parts with the vibrator and then move to your vulva. Remember, don't use massage oil near the vagina as it can cause infections.

The idea behind this is that you explore your body first and know how it reacts to certain stimulations and what it is like for you. Once you have experienced an orgasm and feel comfortable with it, introduce your partner.

Your past abuse issues may prevent you from letting go completely. Therefore sex therapy and counselling maybe able to help you to work through those issues.

For more information please visit the Sexual Health Australia website.


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