Expert advice

Desiree Spierings: sexologist

Desiree is the Director of Sexual Health Australia and is a qualified and experienced Sex Therapist and Relationship Counsellor. Desiree answers female related sex questions for ninemsn Health. ASK ME A QUESTION QUESTION


Monday, August 8, 2011
"The golden rule then for a happy relationship is: You both need to give your partner, what they want!"


My partner of three years went on a holiday to the Philippines with a mate, there he had sex with a 'bar girl' several times over the course of the 28-day holiday. We had been having difficulty with our relationship for quite some time due to his holiday; he is a man that won't talk about problems within the relationship. I have had a very traumatic 12 months with illness (my brother died and my son going to prison) he has not supported emotionally me through these tough times. Ever since he has come back I have tried to talk to him about our relationship but he is not listening. I am now over my illness and have come to terms with my brother's sudden death and my son is doing okay in prison. This has made me a much happier person and I have explained this to him. I have reached out to him to try to work at getting the relationship back on track. When it comes to the bedroom he does not want to have intercourse with me as I am overweight unlike the woman he was with in the Philippines. I'm at wit's end. I'm unsure at what to do. Do I stay or do I go?


It is important to realise that in order to make a relationship work it takes two people who are willing to put in the effort. To have a successful relationship there needs to be some basic friendship between the two of you and on top of that it is important that both partner's main needs are getting met.

The golden rule then for a happy relationship is: You both need to give your partner, what they want! When this happened, you both get out of the relationship what you need in order to be happy and satisfied.

It sounds like there is a bit of work to do, but when there is a will, there is a way.

So ask yourself, is this what you are both willing to do? If not, chances are things will stay the same. Then you need to ask yourself, are you willing to stay in the relationship if the situation stays the same and things don't change?

Think about it, when a relationship is out of sync with goodness, it is easy to recognise, you just aren't happy in it! And remember, you do not need a partner in order to be happy, but a partner should be an added pleasure in life.

For more information please visit the Sexual Health Australia website.

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