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Brett McCann: sexologist

Brett McCann specialises in male sexual difficulties and has over 20 years experience in human sexuality counselling. Brett is the CEO of Impotence Australia and also co-authored Too fast? Learn to last longer. in 2009. ASK ME A QUESTION QUESTION

Regaining trust after infidelity

Tuesday, June 1, 2010
"If there is any evidence of her still cheating on you then you need to have this out with her."
Topics:
sex

Question:

I have been with my fiancée for almost two years now. We had been together just over a year when I found out she slept with other men for money. I caught her out by reading all her e-mails. I loved her too much to let her go so I confronted her on what I knew. She opened up about everything what she did behind my back, with constant tears running down her face, and promised it will stop. More of the truth came out over the next couple of weeks, which induced more pain and sorrow.

We stayed with each other and decided to start a whole new chapter together. I asked her to marry me because I didn't want to lose her. Even though she always tells me now what she is doing (I think) I still feel insecure in my relationship and I don't trust her.

Now I ask myself, almost every day, can I live with a woman with that sort of past and how easy would it be for her to just do it again? Will I ever be able to fully trust her again? Or be able to have a strong marriage with her?

Response:

Everyone has a past, and when people first get together they usually want to show the best of themselves to a potential partner. Unfortunately this may lead to mistrust when an undesirable past is disclosed. You say when you went through all her e-mails you caught her out, this shows that you were suspicious of her not telling you the truth.

There are many reasons why people may feel insecure within a relationship. It has been a year since you found out that your fiancée had slept with men for money and you report that you are still suspicious of her. If there is any evidence of her still cheating on you then you need to have this out with her.

If you are still looking and not finding any evidence then it is time to ask yourself, do you want to be this kind of person? Is this behaviour fair on yourself or your fiancée? When trust has been broken, the cheater can continue to display remorse and doing the right thing, however the cheated needs to decide if they can trust that person. They ask themselves if they can put the past in the past and start to develop a healthy and strong future with this person.

If you ask yourself these questions and put aside, "but I love her", then you will have your answer if you should continue or not in this relationship.

For more information please visit the Impotence Australia website.


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