The rules of a casual relationship

Bringing the subject to the forefront, Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis gave a convincing performance as sex buddies in the romantic comedy Friends with benefits, with both characters laying down some ground rules before lying down with each other.

Negotiating the delicate rules in a "friends with benefits" relationship can be a tricky one. "Most consenting parties will usually work out what represents to them emotional connection and intimacy, things they want to avoid in a casual relationship, and create a set of rules based on avoiding these," says Relationships Australia branch manager and counsellor Kylie Dunjey.

So here's what you should consider before you take your friendship to the bedroom.

Is this really what you want?
Have you ever slipped out for a drink after work at your favourite bar, jammed packed with the business suits and pencil skirts, and overheard a conversation that went something like this "he says he doesn't want a relationship at the moment but…"

According to Dunjey, "the dating culture in Australia is changing gradually, but what people really want hasn't changed that much. People are still looking for things like security, belonging, intimacy and companionship. However maybe on the search for that they will put up with the lesser first".

Settling for a 'friends with benefits' relationship in the hope that it leads to a serious relationship is risky business. There are absolutely no guarantees that you will get what you want and it's deceiving to tell a person you only want a casual relationship when, deep down, you are hoping for more.

"For some people it can be just about having fun but the majority of people want connection, so it's concerning that they are trying to create a scenario where they are not experiencing this," Dunjey says. "It makes me ask myself, if there is some kind of fear that people think casual sex is going to protect them from?"

Too much disclosure — you may end up dating them!
Picture if you will, a girl finds herself, after one too many sauv blancs, tangled up in the bed sheets of a close male friend. Repeat offenders, they continue their late night visits, until the girl grows tired, calling off their dalliances and loudly declaring him "useless in bed" whilst highlighting his 'sizable' downfall to all her friends.

A year later, gushing with a story of true love, the two are now a happy couple. The details of their sex life and his "smaller" qualities however, remain instilled in the minds of all her friends. Love sometimes renders us with no choice, so be careful how much you share with your friends because you just may end up wishing you hadn't!

Mum, I'd like you to meet my sex buddy
Meeting the parents should be avoided at all costs when in a casual relationship. Your parents don't want to meet your "friend", who comes over once a week to "watch a movie", and doesn't spend the night. Nor do they want to be introduced to someone who always has a "but'" after their name. "This is Sophia, were seeing each other, but she's not my girlfriend".

Dunjey says "that while movies such as 'friends with benefits' normalise casual relationships, most people are looking for something more meaningful and not everyone will be comfortable discussing them openly".

So as a rule, spare your family members the intimate details and if one day your casual hook-ups turn into a long-term love interest then an introduction — minus the juicy circumstances surrounding how you met — can be arranged.

Protect yourself — not just from getting hurt
Listen up all you care-free souls in casual relationship bliss. Whilst a casual relationship does offer you the freedom of no-strings attached sex, it doesn't free you from all relationship responsibilities, such as safe sex. Show your 'friend' and yourself some basic human respect and look after each other by using protection. If not, your 'bit of fun' now could lead to a world of misery in the future.

According to www.sti.org, in 2009, the total number of reported STIs in Australia was over 70,000 — and this number isn't including unreported cases. So if you don't want to end up a statistic, play it safe, and be open to discussing your sexual history.

Don't put all your chocolate chips in one cookie
It's all too easy to get carried away in the convenience of having a casual relationship. The temptation to order-in and stay in bed all day is high. The problem here is that you may potentially miss a great opportunity to meet someone with whom you might like an actual relationship with. Remember, it won't always end like a Hollywood movie.

If you find yourself skipping Friday night drinks with the girls, for a pizza for two and a DVD, you might be getting too invested and comfortable — which is setting you up for disappointment if they find a partner. If your "friend" is becoming more like a partner, then perhaps it's time to have the talk.

"The behaviours that people identify with relationships are different for each individual," says Dunjey. "For one person spending the night might represent to them the start of a relationship not a 'friends with benefits' arrangement, for another it might be kissing on the lips." It's important to identify which behaviours you feel cross over from casual dalliances to the tender clutches of a relationship.

Be very honest about feelings
Sex is a very intimate experience that you share, most of the time, with someone you really like, so you are bound to develop feelings when you combine sex and friendship. Things can turn from exhilarating to down-right-depressing very quickly in this highly physical environment, so it's important to talk. If you develop feelings you should feel comfortable to say so, but be aware you might be standing out on the love boat alone and the casual relationship will come to an end.

"Even if start out with the same idea in mind, the chances of both of you staying on the same page is really small," Dunjey says. "One person might unintentionally find themselves connecting with the other person on a deeper level, however the other person, who hasn't changed emotionally, can then start to feel resentment towards the other, and with every right too, because the other person is 'changing the rules'."

The important thing is to be honest and talk to one another to avoid broken hearts and ruined friendships in the long run. It could even be the one talk that changes the whole game and you end up in a relationship.

Going back to being friends
So one of you has found a partner and you're going back to being "just friends". Can you actually go back to being friends with someone you have been intimate with? Well, according to Dunjey: "You can, I've seen it happen a lot". If couples like Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant — who shared a very tumultuous relationship — can remain friends after a very public break-up, there must be hope for sex buddies to do the same.

If you can get past the fact that you have now seen your friend naked and they've seen you too, you could potentially end up with a very close friendship, one whom knows you much better than most, inside and out.

"It's definitely achievable," says Dunjey. "It just depends on how mutual the experience has been for both of them and if it turned out how they both expected it to".