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Lack of Sexual Desire - What Can Be Done?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005
In just about every case, it is possible to overcome an occasional, more frequent or even long-term lack of desire for sex.

If you have rarely or never experienced strong sexual feelings - arousal, desire, being 'randy' - you may have an abnormally low level of male hormones or a physical problem associated with their production, in which case you should seek the advice of a medical practitioner.

Alternatively, you may feel you have been suppressing sexual feelings for most of your life; perhaps because of a particular cultural, environmental or religious background or a traumatic incident in your childhood. If so, you should seek the assistance of a counsellor.

Depression and similar disorders, and grief after the death of a relative or close friend, can temporarily suppress many feelings of desire: the desire to eat or control eating, the desire to work, the desire to be involved and the desire to have sex. Treatment for any such disorders should be sought from a qualified specialist. Talking with your partner is one of the most important things you can do to overcome your lack of sexual desire. Don't suppress the problem, bring it out into the open.

Men sometimes believe, even today, that it is 'unmanly' to cry, be overtly tender or emotionally open within a relationship - frustration about sex can arise when a man is unable to tell his partner his inner most fears and anxieties about his so-called sexual 'performance', his needs, worries and any feelings of guilt.

There will be periods in your life, for example, when you are very tired, over stressed by work and other commitments or have been ill, when you may experience a lack of sexual desire - this is a normal response. It is important to put these feelings into perspective, to understand the reasons behind them, and understand they need only be temporary - worrying about why you don't feel like sex can turn temporary feelings into a pattern of sexual anxiety. Be positive about your sexual 'self' - don't put off sex because you think you're going to 'flunk' or not come up to your partner's expectations or your perceptions of those expectations. Tell yourself you can, and will, have terrific sex with your partner. If you don't feel like 'full-on' sex, tell your partner, don't leave her guessing.

And don't let your relationship become intercourse-centred, explore other aspects of your relationship: physical affection like cuddling, necking, massage, sensual touch. Feel good about discovering other kinds of sex - playful acts such as tickling and caressing, oral sex, mutual masturbation. 'Variety is the spice of life'.

To lessen the routine feeling of sex, to make it feel fresh and more exciting, it's important not to lock in to familiar patterns of sex - the same positions, limited foreplay, no seduction, a focus on penetration, no 'adventure'. Try to recover some sexual spontaneity. Take time to have a 'quickie' occasionally, but don't force things, if you both feel like it, go for it; don't lock in to the same time every other night, especially when you're tired or stressed.

Be true to yourself and your partner - if you are unwilling to have children, but your partner is and you are worried about getting her pregnant, be honest and discuss your differing expectations. Think about how often you would like to have sex - with your partner, or with someone else. If you would like to have sex more often with your current partner, think about the reasons why you don't - are you put off by your partner's criticism (verbal or otherwise) of your 'performance'; are you turned-off by what your partner does during sex; are there positions and techniques you would like to try with your partner; is there something about yourself that you believe turns your partner off; is your partner more sexually 'driven' than you?

If you would like to have less sex with your partner or more sex, but with someone else, think about the reasons why - are you no longer aroused or turned-on by your partner; are you with the 'right' partner, do you believe your partner has certain expectations of you that you feel you cannot fulfill? If you are troubled by work hassles, by finances or by family, try to resolve these problems or discuss them with your partner or at least put them at the back of your mind before taking them to bed with you. If you believe you are gay, unhappy with your present relationship and would prefer a gay lifestyle, don't suppress it, seek counselling from gay support agencies.

Some men, who are in a heterosexual relationship and are genuinely in love with their partner and lifestyle, and who often or nearly always have sexual fantasies about men when they masturbate or have sex with their partner, do not necessarily want to adopt a gay lifestyle or have male lovers.

A problem arises for these men (and their partners) if their fantasies intrude into their relationship and affect sex with, or desire for, their partner, of if the man pursues relationships with other men. Sometimes guilt about suppressed or concealed sexual yearnings, experimentation or extramarital affairs can lead you to have a lack of sexual desire for your present partner.

If you masturbate often, are in a relationship and experience a lack of sexual desire for your partner, you could try masturbating less, 'saving-up' your sexual desires for sex with your partner. It is very easy, especially if your lifestyle is busy, to get fast fulfillment from masturbation, making sex with your partner seem too much trouble. Once you've thought about these issues and your needs and wants, you should discuss them with your partner or, if you feel that's not possible, with a trusted friend or professional counsellor or sex therapist.

Courtesy: TLCProstate cancer could be caused by an STI: researchers Facts about sexual problems Women don't need 'female Viagra', just a chat: study Celebrity Women have the best sex at 40
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